Recovering from the wounds of a difficult childhood
Who am I
I am Meena Iyer, coach, healer and breathwork facilitator. I am writing to share my experiences in the fields of Holotropic Breathwork, Inner Child Healing and personal therapy and coaching.
Quick Intro and Disclaimer
I am Meena Iyer, coach, healer and breathwork facilitator. I have trained in counseling psychology, NLP, Hypnotherapy and breathwork facilitation. I have run my own de-addiction center in Gurgaon working individually and in groups with addicts, alcoholics and their families.I now offer one-on-one coaching and facilitate online and offline workshops/ retreats on Inner Child Healing and Breathwork.
Here is a disclaimer too. As I share my knowledge, experience and skills, they are constantly evolving and transforming, keeping pace with my own growth. If you feel ready to embark on this journey taking responsibility for the outcomes, hop on. The information shared here is for educational purposes only and not meant to substitute any professional guidance. There could be material not from the public domain which has been used to illustrate or explain only and not for infringement of intellectual property rights. Pls do not copy or share in any manner and infringe intellectual property rights. Information here is as understood and applied by me. Pls use your discretion while applying the same.
Who is this post for (The Ultimate Guide to Inner Child Healing)
If you
- Are aware that your childhood years were difficult.
- Don’t have a clear memory of your childhood years and yet have a feeling in your gut that things were not pleasant.
- Find yourself justifying the actions of people in your life knowing that you were hurt.
- Feel confused about how to interpret things that happened in childhood.
- Are already in therapy or coaching seeking to accelerate your healing.
- Are actively seeking healing from significant emotional issues
- Are dealing with loss – death of a loved one, divorce or a broken relationship.
- Are looking to work on chronic unworkable behavior patterns.
- Are in a toxic relationship at home or work.
- Suffer from addictive behaviour – substances, activities or emotions.
- Practice psychotherapeutic or energy healing modalities
- You want to work on physical health issues.
Why am I writing this post?
Inner Child Healing is an important psychotherapeutic model conducted in groups or one-on-one. All your behaviour patterns can be traced back to your childhood experiences. The way you think, feel and behave originated either in support of or in opposition to what unfolded before you in your early years. Most of you know that you self-sabotage in spite of all good intentions to make changes in our habits and choices. This post will shed light on why you have unworkable behavior patterns that are so hard to change. It will bring awareness to your blind spots.
What will I cover ?
- How you make plans
- When the plans don’t work
- Is it perfectionism looking like procrastination
- Succumbing to mal-adaptive coping
- Becoming Codependent
- How you crumble into disappointment and despair
- Blaming and shaming yourself
- Sufferer turned saboteur
- The magic of connecting with your inner child
You make plans as logical adults. You take a cue from what you see happening in your environment. You plan to buy a new house or car like everyone else around you. You decide to start a walking, running, gym, yoga or zumba routine to get fit. You apply to an academic or self-help program fully intending to keep up with the classes and assignments. Even a “fun” thing like a hobby course or movie-club. It’s strange that sometimes you doubt, even as you are signing up whether you will complete these programs.. And yet you push yourself because not taking action makes you uncomfortable, even guilty.
And then, it doesn’t work. The initial enthusiasm gives way to missed deadlines and a loss of interest. You feel guilty and the guilt doesn’t solve anything. The tasks are still pending. At some point you start wondering why you even set the goals or signed up for the classes. Why is this happening? Could it be that while a logical adult made the decision to start the process, a moody or willful child comes alive to distract you and prevent you from taking action. What if this willful and maybe sad, fearful or angry child takes over ? What if this child says to you in your subconscious – it’s not worth it, you’ll never achieve it anyway. And no matter how much you push yourself, nothing moves forward.
Is it perfectionism? Most of you were told when you were kids, even if you want to be a barber, you must be the best barber. Such messages made you doubt yourselves. You wanted to do things perfectly or not at all. And when you did get it right, you felt validated. You felt it was the only way to be. Perfectionism is one of the huge problems human beings face and it is the biggest deterrent to progress. And that too comes from childhood. If you were appreciated only when you did things perfectly you hated every time you did not match your own standards. So a child made this decision and it still rules your life.
Maladaptive Coping ? Sometimes the steps you take to solve your problems of being inconsistent and not keeping up with commitments become bigger problems. Let me explain. When you begin stress eating, drinking, smoking, shopping or gaming to feel better, they damage you by creating a whole new set of things to cope with your physical and mental health. These coping mechanisms are mere symptoms of the underlying disconnect. It’s important to peel off the layer of the symptoms to get a handle on the core issues that prompted you to lean on the things and behavior which you knew was unhealthy. Here it is again- the child attempting to soothe itself with comfort that soon becomes harmful.
Becoming codependent. Coping with disappointment and guilt can take the shape of this now rampant disorder. You give up on your dreams, even your basic needs – indeed your very identity because of a dysfunctional person or situation. Every time you hear yourself saying,”because of him, her, them or it”, know that you have surrendered your needs and your basic right to live your life, to their demands. Whether it is even true or not, the child in you has chosen to get dependent and give up any responsibility to make a change. This sweet child who is hurting chooses to stay blind as a way of postponing growing up and taking some hard decisions.
The blame and shame game. Remember as a child when you first heard the words,”shame shame”? Remember how it became the most unbearable thing to bear in your teen years. Shame and blame cripple you and prevent you from living a healthy life. Its strange, but blame is something you first saw the adults in your life use against each other. Blaming others or yourself digs you deeper into your problems keeping you far away from finding solutions. As for shame, it needs to be felt before being given up. A loving community, a wise therapist is needed to work through shame and be okay with it. The fearful child in you uses blame and shame to keep you tethered. It is a coward turned bully and has you in its grip.
Crumbling into despair. Losing hope is hitting rock bottom. When you have given up on ever changing your life situation, you have gone back to a stage where you have no agency. You are really like a little baby that can’t feed or clean itself up. However triggered you are by that description, when you make connection with your inner child, take that weeping infant into your arms and soothe them, reassure them that you are there for them, you see how much relief and healing it really brings you.
Sufferer turned saboteur. Unaware of the damage you went through in childhood, you turn your sufferings into sabotage, either directed at yourself or others. Hurt people hurt people. Sometimes you make excuses for the person hurting you because you understand their pain. The problem is, you being loving and supportive, is not changing anything. Would you let an infant, a toddler or preschooler manage your investments? Then how is it that they get to decide whether you are going to snooze your alarm or wake up and go running? How is it that for instant gratification, they let you consume far more calories or episodes than you planned for? How is it they keep you in a toxic relationship because the benefits can’t be given up or they fear being shamed or blamed.
The magic of connecting with your inner child. When you connect with your Inner Child through a visualization, a hypnosis session or a letter you write, you see how they have been waiting for you to come and release them from years of pain. You cannot be angry at a two or eight year old for long. And what’s more, they are a part of you. As you heal your inner child and also give them discipline, structure, protection and power, your relationship with the grown up things you do improves. You become capable of rigor and integrity. You are no longer performing for others, but living for yourself.
SUMMARY
From missed appointments to substance addiction, most mistakes you make are really the cry of your inner child waiting to be loved and guided. Inner Child recovery is a must to live a life of dignity and intention. Don’t let a wounded child hijack your best laid plans.
Meena Iyer, meenaiyer99@gmail.com, +919999966540.
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